let’s talk about feelings

So we’ve just hugged goodbye. Me and my mom.

I really thought that I would be fine but I guess I am not. Goodbye hugs mean hello to emptiness, hello to being alone, hello to missing everyone and everything.

Not that I don’t like hugging people goodbye but it just irritates me so much when something makes me turn into a weak, emotional and vulnerable bitch. I like being strong. Even when people say that I’m cold, emotionless or unapproachable, I’m totally fine with it. Actually I wish I could be like that because dealing with my emotions was never easy for me.

Thinking about this makes me realize that I’ve always denied my negative feelings. I’m scared to face those “difficult thingies”  so I would just pretend that they do not really matter and say to myself from time to time that I am doing well, I am happy and I am “fine”.

One reason why I hate being alone is that those annoying stuff keep coming back to me. That is why I always need someone to talk to, why I always keep myself busy with books and korean dramas or netflix. I need those distractions to push my negative feelings away and wish that they would just disappear themselves as life goes on. Well, they won’t, as I know now.

I thought I do understand myself but seems like I don’t. Sad huh?

Anyway, I don’t think I’m ready to absorb those emotions so I’m just going to write this note, post it on my blog and then sleep my mind off. It’s not healthy, I know. But that’s my way dealing with it and I know I will be just fine.

Thank you for reading.

xoxo,
-dgna-

new year’s resolutions | 2017

Happy New Year Lovelies,

I wish you all a wonderful 2017 with your family, friends and your loved ones. There will be so many challenges and opportunities coming up that will allow us to grow and learn more and more. My last year was beyond awesome and I definitely hope that I could keep 2017 going that great.

*A sum up of my 2016: Hey 2016 | dgnaxoxo*

It’s finally a new life chapter and we’ve all got new stories to write. It really has me thinking about my goals, about things that I want to do and places that I want to visit. So here are my 10 things I want to accomplish in 2017:

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#1. A new language: I tell myself so many times that I want to pick up another language but it always ends up with me spending way too much time on the internet (shame on me, i know). Anyway, I do really want to be able to speak several languages and I think I will start with either Spanish or Korean this year. I am interested in both but I probably should not be too greedy because I also need to work a lot more on my German.

#2. Dance classes: I really miss grooving, moving and practicing. I am taking a hip hop class but it is going to end in February and I also want to learn something new. This is a little bit embarrassing to say but I want to take a pole fitness class. It will be really really hard for me because I am totally not confident with my own body but I’ve wanted to do pole dancing for years so I just think that if I don’t start this year, I’ll never do it. Challenge accepted!

#3. Guitar: I don’t know if it’s too late to learn a new instrument but I’ve always loved watching people singing and playing guitar and I’ve always imagined myself being able to do that. So if I have time, I would love to take guitar lessons (we all know that “I don’t have time” is a terrible excuse).

#4. Travelling: There are so many alluring cities and countries that make me want to hop on a plane immediately and go there. Unfortunately, my bank account doesn’t seem to support the idea. So well, here is my travel bucket list for 2017:

  • North Rhein-Westphalia, Germany: It’s not really travelling but there are some cities near Bonn like Cologne, Düsseldorf, Dortmund,… which are definitely worth spending my weekends.
  • Belgium: I swear I have to go to Belgium this year. It takes less than 4 hours by bus from where I live to Brussels and Bruges and the tickets are not expensive at all. I got my best friend living in Amsterdam and we want to go there together, so hopefully we will make our first trip happen.
  • Amsterdam, Netherlands: Visited Amsterdam once but I haven’t explored the whole city yet. I bet it will look much more beautiful in spring or summer so maybe I’ll see you again, Amsterdam! (actually I want to visit my friend but I don’t want to say that, too cheesy eww)
  • Copenhagen, Denmark: I don’t know why but I’ve always wanted to go to Copenhagen since day 1. Colourful waterside townhouses, museums and galleries, boats and canals,… Copenhagen will be such an amazing destination for summer time. All I need is a travel partner. Or should I try travelling solo for the first time?
  • Rome, Italy: Tickets booked today! I want to visit Cinque Terre as well but I’m afraid I do not have much time.

#5. Part-time job: I am having one that allows me to work from home with flexible schedules but I actually want a job which requires communication so that I could improve my German speaking skills. And I need money for my trips. And cosmetics.  And clothes. And FOOD! (there’s just never enough money for food. NEVER!)

#6. Be healthy: I swear some of my friends are definitely laughing right now since I say this every single year (or even every single day). I am not going to promise anything because I don’t believe in myself either. I just can’t give up on food and chocolate and all those loves of my life so (perhaps) I would (try to) work out more. (To be honest, I have absolutely no motivation to get myself out to the gym). And drink more water, of course.

#7. Books: 2016 was the year that I tried to read more than before. I need to develop a better reading habit and read even more.

#8. Blogging: To open a blog is one of my 2016’s resolutions and I’m proud that I finally made it by the end of the year. I hope that I would be able to keep this blog going with fresh content and also with better writing skill.

#9. Stop procrastinating: This is the hardest thing for me because I got used to procrastinating since forever. I really do feel like a mess sometimes (or always) and the stress is so real. I also want to start planning things or try bullet journaling. Hope it would help.

#10. Call my family more: I feel very guilty not calling my family as much as I should. I miss them but I rarely call them first and it actually makes me feel super super bad. I’ll sure call them more often. Mark my words.

Well, that’s it for my new year’s resolutions! I think that I will be more inclined to make these happen if I write them down and share them with you guys. I would also love to hear yours! Let’s check it again together at the end of this year!

Stay beautiful,

dgnaxoxo

it’s getting christmassy

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Happy December, lovelies! I still cannot believe that Christmas is just around the corner and 2016 is coming to an end. Time flies.

This is so far my second Christmas in Germany and it’s still obviously something new for me. To be honest the holiday feelings make me want to skip classes and lay in bed watching movies and eating and online shopping all day (with an empty wallet). My classmates and flatmates will all come back home to celebrate Christmas with their family. I, unfortunately, cannot. However, I’ll go to Hamburg reuniting with some of my best friends, which is pretty exciting as well. I’m really thankful to have those with me during holiday seasons (and also other seasons) otherwise I’ll definitely turn into a lonely zombie feeling jealous with people who are able to come back home and then eat my sadness away. No doubt.

Anyway, I decided to go for a walk through the christmas market yesterday to enjoy the exciting atmosphere and I would love to share it with you guys. There are a lot of super cute things, meticulous handmade stuff and also, a lot lot of delicious food that I can’t just pass by without buying anything (everything actually). Here’s my money guys. Just take it all.

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I hope you liked these photos, which can be seen as an excuse for my cutie little belly fat.

Stay beautiful,

dgnaxoxo.

random thoughts

I didn’t mean to start my blog with such personal thing but yeah, whatever.

I have to admit that I’m pretty jealous with all the people who know what they love to do, who they want to be and are able to pursue their “passion”. At this point of life (sounds weird), I can feel the pressure that I actually have to start to “care” about my future. The fact that I am and I will always be the one and only person who has responsibility for my life just freaks me out sometimes because I seem “chill”. I don’t have any plans. I don’t know what I will be doing in the next 3 years, 5 years, 10 years. I mean, most people don’t, I know that.

I’m a little bit “behind” comparing to my friends. Most of them are now in the 3rd year or last year of university meanwhile I’ve just started my studying for a month, which means they will probably go to work and earn money in the next 2 years while I will still take classes everyday. That thought makes me feel kind of lost and “useless” sometimes. Under family pressure and society’s pressure in our culture, I’m supposed to graduate just in time as my fellows, get a job so that I’ll be able to feed myself and don’t have to sleep under a bridge. And, you know, “settle down”.

Then I think why do I have to compare myself to others? I’ve just lived a month and 13 days of my 20s. I don’t like the idea of “settling down” as much as I don’t like onion (so relevant I know). Maybe because I’m still too young to think about it but I mean, considering the fact that we only have one life to live, I would love to try different things until I know what I want to do. Maybe if I hate my major I will quit and go for a degree in mathematics (I can’t think of anything else). Who knows? I want to try as many things as I can and find out what suits me, what interests me, what motivates me everyday and what I can call “passion”. It doesn’t mean that I give up on things easily and go try new stuff and then give up again when it’s hard and try new stuff again and again and again. I am and I will be responsible for what I chose and do it sincerely. As much as I can.

I’m happy for those who have found and lived their dream. Those haven’t, just like me, don’t worry because I believe one day we will, it’s only a matter of time. Life is full of opportunities.

I’m still young. You’re still young. It’s totally okay to feel lost and uncertain. Just live the life you want so that you won’t be regret 30 years later. I don’t write this to tell or to “teach” anyone how they should live. I write this to encourage myself to be brave stepping out of my comfort zone and taking chances, to believe in my choices, to put my puzzled mind at ease and of course, it would be great if this post also could have a positive influence on any of you reading this.

Thank you very much for reading my first rambling stuff. Have to go back to my literature homework now 🙂

Stay beautiful,

dgnaxoxo