let’s talk about feelings

So we’ve just hugged goodbye. Me and my mom.

I really thought that I would be fine but I guess I am not. Goodbye hugs mean hello to emptiness, hello to being alone, hello to missing everyone and everything.

Not that I don’t like hugging people goodbye but it just irritates me so much when something makes me turn into a weak, emotional and vulnerable bitch. I like being strong. Even when people say that I’m cold, emotionless or unapproachable, I’m totally fine with it. Actually I wish I could be like that because dealing with my emotions was never easy for me.

Thinking about this makes me realize that I’ve always denied my negative feelings. I’m scared to face those “difficult thingies”  so I would just pretend that they do not really matter and say to myself from time to time that I am doing well, I am happy and I am “fine”.

One reason why I hate being alone is that those annoying stuff keep coming back to me. That is why I always need someone to talk to, why I always keep myself busy with books and korean dramas or netflix. I need those distractions to push my negative feelings away and wish that they would just disappear themselves as life goes on. Well, they won’t, as I know now.

I thought I do understand myself but seems like I don’t. Sad huh?

Anyway, I don’t think I’m ready to absorb those emotions so I’m just going to write this note, post it on my blog and then sleep my mind off. It’s not healthy, I know. But that’s my way dealing with it and I know I will be just fine.

Thank you for reading.

xoxo,
-dgna-

random thoughts

I didn’t mean to start my blog with such personal thing but yeah, whatever.

I have to admit that I’m pretty jealous with all the people who know what they love to do, who they want to be and are able to pursue their “passion”. At this point of life (sounds weird), I can feel the pressure that I actually have to start to “care” about my future. The fact that I am and I will always be the one and only person who has responsibility for my life just freaks me out sometimes because I seem “chill”. I don’t have any plans. I don’t know what I will be doing in the next 3 years, 5 years, 10 years. I mean, most people don’t, I know that.

I’m a little bit “behind” comparing to my friends. Most of them are now in the 3rd year or last year of university meanwhile I’ve just started my studying for a month, which means they will probably go to work and earn money in the next 2 years while I will still take classes everyday. That thought makes me feel kind of lost and “useless” sometimes. Under family pressure and society’s pressure in our culture, I’m supposed to graduate just in time as my fellows, get a job so that I’ll be able to feed myself and don’t have to sleep under a bridge. And, you know, “settle down”.

Then I think why do I have to compare myself to others? I’ve just lived a month and 13 days of my 20s. I don’t like the idea of “settling down” as much as I don’t like onion (so relevant I know). Maybe because I’m still too young to think about it but I mean, considering the fact that we only have one life to live, I would love to try different things until I know what I want to do. Maybe if I hate my major I will quit and go for a degree in mathematics (I can’t think of anything else). Who knows? I want to try as many things as I can and find out what suits me, what interests me, what motivates me everyday and what I can call “passion”. It doesn’t mean that I give up on things easily and go try new stuff and then give up again when it’s hard and try new stuff again and again and again. I am and I will be responsible for what I chose and do it sincerely. As much as I can.

I’m happy for those who have found and lived their dream. Those haven’t, just like me, don’t worry because I believe one day we will, it’s only a matter of time. Life is full of opportunities.

I’m still young. You’re still young. It’s totally okay to feel lost and uncertain. Just live the life you want so that you won’t be regret 30 years later. I don’t write this to tell or to “teach” anyone how they should live. I write this to encourage myself to be brave stepping out of my comfort zone and taking chances, to believe in my choices, to put my puzzled mind at ease and of course, it would be great if this post also could have a positive influence on any of you reading this.

Thank you very much for reading my first rambling stuff. Have to go back to my literature homework now 🙂

Stay beautiful,

dgnaxoxo